Leaving a religion, losing your family/community

Turning away from your family's religion can come with a very high cost: it can leave a person without family, without friends, without members of their immediate community, perhaps even co-workers as well. Just when a person is in most need of support to handle the upheaval in how they practice their beliefs, they are abandoned by the people they love most.

In this respect, I am so lucky not be from a close-knit family. They all practice a Christian faith - one brother is Catholic, my sister is an evangelical Christian, my Mom goes to a Methodist Church most Sundays, etc. I rarely hear from them. I've gone years without seeing them and more than a year without getting even a phone call from some of them, not because they are angry, but because that's just not my family. And when I decided to admit that I did not believe in God, or Gods, or anything supernatural, I was living on my own and I was financially independent. It didn't come at any family cost to finally admit it to family members when the need arose.

But not everyone has that luxury: they see their families every week, if not every day. The family prays together, talks about what they see is evil - certain kinds of music, certain kinds of food, ways that women might dress, women pursuing careers, certain romantic pairings, women wearing masks, women not wearing masks, etc. - and that talk can make a family member who is doubting the religion, or never believed in it but has never said so, to feel sad, lonely, even desperate. A person may love their family deeply, so much that they keep their mouth shut rather than disappoint or ostracize their family. But that stress weighs heavy on the heart and mind.

In 2020, two young women jumped to their deaths in West Jerusalem, leaving behind a note explaining their choice and noting how their struggles with faith and religion played a role. In short, they preferred death to disappointing their families.

It broke my heart beyond anything I can put into words. I think of all these people out there, either having to live a lie in order to be a part of their families, even their society, to get a job, etc., or "coming out" about their lack of belief in a magical invisible vengeful sometimes, merciful other times super being who ignores the pleas of tortured, dying people but cares deeply in who wins the Super Bowl - and facing ostracism from their families... or worse. What a horrible choice. 

Look around online for an online group for atheists. You might want to join it under a different name than your real name, if you are at all afraid of your family or community finding out. It's a good way to get emotional support and relevant advice for your particular situatuion. 

Read up on the religion of your family. Dig deep into the theology and the history - the real history, not just what your religious book says. Becoming an amateur scholar about the religion of your dominant culture is a great way to both affirm your atheism and to hide your atheism - people will think very highly of your scholarship. I know - it's what I did in the Bible Belt of the USA as a teen. 

If you are feeling desperate about the pressure to conform to the point of considering the ending of your life, please look for a national suicide prevention hotline in your country. In the USA, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. In Canada, call Crisis Services Canada at 1-833-456-4566.

There are specific groups to help people leave specific religious faiths - a group called Footsteps can help those trying to leave the ultra-Orthodox community. There are groups that can help people that want to leave an Amish order. There are groups that help people, particularly young women, leave Mormon communities. There are groups that help people leave Scientology. There are groups that help people leave the Jehovah's Witnesses. Use Google or Duck Duck Go to find those groups and to find their online resources. There are groups for ex-members of all these and many other religious groups - and finding them is relatively easy on 

If safety might be an issue, or you want to make absolutely sure no one in your household can find out what you are reading online, put a password on your computer and your smart phone. You might want to clear the cache after each computer use as well. 

There are far, far more atheists out there than you probably imagine. We're in every community. Sometimes, we're sitting right there are kneeling right there beside you in a church, temple or mosque, going through the motions because it's easier than admitting our truth. I hope knowing that we're everywhere can give you strength on your journey to being able to live your life out in the open, without apology.