Seeking comfort with Mr. Rogers

In the last two weeks, several people posted this quote to their social media profiles. It's from TV personality and children's advocate Fred Rogers:

"When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping." To this day, especially in times of "disaster," I remember my mother's words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers – so many caring people in this world. quote

It's a sentiment that I have always taken comfort in when tragedy strikes. I'm sure that, as a Presbyterian minister, Mr. Rogers believed it was "God" that was spurning people into helping others. But I'm so glad he didn't say that in this quote, since Atheists like myself do the same after a horrific event: we look to see the people helping, or we jump in to help ourselves, and it gives us comfort. And we need comfort, just like anyone else - we're human. I tried to explain this in my last blog regarding The Atheist Response to Tragedy.

Why does seeing others providing help, and why does providing help ourselves to others, help us in a time of crisis? Because it grows, or restores, a belief in the capacity of humans to do good, to want to do good, something very much needed in the face of an inhumane act.

Every day, we do a hundred activities based on the assumed goodness of humanity: driving somewhere in a car and assuming that other people are going to drive safely, taking the bus and assuming other riders will intervene should anything dire happen, going to a doctor and assuming all staff will read charts correctly and listen as we speak, getting on a plane and assuming the pilot and flight attendants and mechanics will all be doing their jobs correctly, and on and on. Even the most diehard every man for himself person has to make these assumptions every day, over and over. The alternative is to build and stock a fortress, and never leave it, and live every day based on fear.

There is tremendous support happening right now to the many, many victims of mass shootings and natural disasters in the USA. Some areas are overwhelmed with support and offers of help. If you are looking for the opportunity to help, to feel some control over life, you might start in your own community: there are seniors that would love to know how to use cell phones or computers to connect with resources they need, games they would enjoy and people they love. There are parents of special needs kids that would love a sitter for a few hours so they could shop, go to a movie or sit in a coffee shop. There are kids that would love to go camping.

Here's how to find ways to do some good in your community - to provide comfort to others and, perhaps, to yourself:

• Detailed information on Finding Community Service and Volunteering for Teens
• How to Find Volunteering Opportunities, a resource for adults who want to volunteer
• Advice for volunteering as a group / volunteering in a group
• Volunteering with Seniors
• Family Volunteer - Volunteering by Families with Children
• Ways you can volunteer, no matter how young you are
• Online Volunteering (Virtual Volunteering)
• Using Your Business Skills for Good - Volunteering Your Business Management Skills, to help people starting or running small businesses / micro enterprises, to help people building businesses in high-poverty areas, and to help people entering or re-entering the work force.
• Volunteering In Pursuit of a Medical, Veterinary or Social Work degree / career
• Donating Things Instead of Cash or Time (In-Kind Contributions)
• Creating or Holding a Successful Community Event or Fund Raising Event.
• Group Volunteering for Atheist and Secular Volunteers
• Volunteering To Help After Major Disasters.
• How to Make a Difference Internationally/Globally/in Another Country Without Going Abroad
• Ideas for Funding Your Volunteering Abroad Trip.
• Ideas for Creating Your Own Volunteering Activity
• Donating Things Instead of Cash or Time (In-Kind Co

Most Atheists don't believe in a soul - an immortal entity or essence that occupies your body and will continue after your body dies. So it would be disingenuous for me to say that helping others will restore your soul. But I can say that helping others will help you want to get out of bed every morning. It will help you build up a large storage of beautiful memories - and that can help you greatly when faced with tragedy or horrors created by humans or nature. It's worked for me - and Mr. Rogers. Maybe it can work for you too.

The Atheist Response to Tragedy

Oh, how I've cried. I've thought about the terror those little kids must have felt in their final moments, the trauma the surviving kids will always feel, the teachers and school administrators who must have felt desperate and shocked as gunshots cut them down, the police and firefighters who had to see those dead children and adults and work with families going through an extreme grief that seems deep and endless. And when I think of that, and see the news coverage, I have wept.

That's empathy. That's what most humans feel during a crisis like this - including Atheists and Secular Humanists. Empathy is not an exclusive trait of people who believe in an invisible, magical friend. Empathy is, to me, what creates and sustains caring people and societies. It is our empathy that guides us in decisions and actions at times like this.

Atheists / Secular Humanists have moments of despair and moments of hope, just like any other human. We seek comfort in the arms of loved ones, in holding our pets closer, in being kinder in little ways throughout the day. We seek reassurance of overall human goodness and signs of normalcy - we look at a woman coo'ing with her baby at a bus stop, a parent patiently talking to a child in a store about why he can't have THAT toy, an elderly couple holding hands, a teen ager opening a door for someone, and we see life and kindness going on, continuing - unstoppable. We see a choir singing, an out-of-shape person jogging, a neighbor wearing his cowboy riding duds because he's just been off somewhere riding a horse, and we are comforted. We remember times of profound human horror that we have studied - the Holocaust of WWII, the mass slaughter of various people in different times, slavery - and we see the amazing resilience of humans in the face of such, again and again. And we are comforted. 

We also try to offer comfort. We cook meals. We hold hands. We send cards. We say, "I love you. I care about you." We ask, "How can I help you?" We mow someone's lawn and buy groceries for a grieving family, without fanfare. We contribute to a college fund. Those things feel good to do. We have been on the receiving end of those acts in our own time of crisis, and we remember how it made us feel. We feel love for other humans, even humans we've never met, and we want to be a part of the kindness extended to them.

We wonder why the media interviews only religious leaders about how to handle this tragedy - why they ignore secular ethicists that have so much to offer in this time as well. Some of the most caring statements I've seen on Facebook and Twitter after this tragedy are by people I know are Atheists. By ignoring those that can speak about comfort and hope from a non-religious perspective, the media ignores the needs of Atheists in this tragedy - and, being humans, we need words of comfort and hope and acknowledgement just like anyone. 

Atheists are not burdened by questions of destiny, of why a supposedly omnipresent being was so NOT present to protect people from this horror, about any bigger "plan" for humanity that required this carnage, because we don't believe in such. That lack of burden is definitely a comfort in times like this. And instead of praying for the victims, we try to think of ways to prevent this from happening again - we look for things to actually *do*. We look at countries like the U.K., Germany, France, Australia, Spain and other places, where the number of homicides per capita, as well as the number of gun-related deaths, are so dramatically lower than here in the USA. We think about the psychology of the murderer, and what we can learn about that person's thought processes in order to prevent this from happening again. We wonder how to get better access to mental health services, and better awareness of mental health issues, for everyone - for the survivors, for the first responders, for parents of mentally-disturbed children, for EVERYONE. Also instead of praying, we may find solace in volunteering in our communities, to feel a stronger connection to neighbors, to feel a stronger connection to humanity, to all life on Earth, and to feel like we do have control over much of our lives. 

Atheists/secular humanists don't think poorly or unkindly of people who do find comfort in a belief in an invisible, magical friend. But many of us do cringe at people saying, "We survived because God was looking out for us," thinking about just how much that statement hurts parents who lost a child - they've just been told God wasn't looking out for their little one. We also cringe at the statement, "God called them home" or "this is part of God's plan," knowing there will be children now terrified because of those statements, fearing that same God will "call them home" soon, that his plan is for them to go through such a horrific experience. Those statements are tough for Atheists to hear, as we know just how much fear and pain they cause so many people.

We feel anger at statements like, "This happened because God/prayer was taken out of schools." This kind of misinformation creates hatred against Atheists - as well as those who are in a religious minority in a community. These statements are designed to create hate, and such are reprehensible at any time - but particularly now. It is absolutely legal for children to pray in public schools. There is no law whatsoever preventing anyone from praying in a public school. We are appalled that many religious people will use an event like this to demonize Atheists and spread this misinformation. We worry at the fallout that will come as a result, how many unkind statements Atheists and Secular Humanists and those in minority religions can expect to hear as a result in the days to come.

We're here, and we're grieving too. We are a part of the world, full members of the human family. Please don't forget about us. Please don't ignore us. Please don't demonize us. Let's all grieve and learn and help others together.

ADDENDUM: for parents seeking help in talking to children, see Parenting Beyond Belief.