Why I "do good"; Why I try to be kind

I'm an atheist. And I try to do good. I try to be kind.

Why do I do nice things for other people? Why do I try to be kind - especially when I've got an impulse NOT to be kind? Because:

• It feels good and puts me in a good mood if I'm not in such already.
• I hope someone will do that for me when I'm in need.
• It often puts a person that is receiving the kindness, or observing the kindness, in a good mood, and maybe it will inspire that person to do good for someone else.
• I want a neighbor or co-worker to like me.
• It makes me feel like I have some control over a little part of my day or life. 
• Not doing something nice for someone, on purpose, makes me feel guilty, like I've let down my fellow humans. 
• I like humans (most of the time), and animals all of the time (except mosquitos).

Why do I volunteer for nonprofit organizations? Because:

• It feels good.
• It makes me feel like I have some control over a little part of my day or life. 
• There's a cause I feel passionately about, and I want to be a part of that cause.
• The volunteer task sounds fun.
• I want to understand a particular issue or activity better. 
• I'm angry about something, and volunteering makes me feel like I'm doing something about it.
• I think the other volunteers might be fun. 
• I think a particular task or association with an organization will look good on my résumé or help me network with people who might want to hire me.
• It gets me free tickets to a theater, dance or singing event I'd really like to see but can't afford.
• I want to be a full, invested member of my community. It makes a community or place feel more "mine." 

I don't help others, or volunteer, to please a deity. I don't volunteer to get into a better after life.

Where does the impulse to do good come from? Not from a deity - certainly not from the same deity that compels its followers to rape and kill non-believers.

The Greater Good Science Center at the University of California-Berkeley studies the psychology, sociology, and neuroscience of well-being, including how the traits of altruism, compassion, empathy, and mindfulness transcend religions and contribute to happiness. The center notes that:

Compassion is a fundamental human trait, with deep psychological and evolutionary roots.

In short - we've evolved to be good, and goodness keeps our species - and our world - thriving.

Also see: Groups for Atheist and Secular Volunteers / Philanthropy.

The power & the glory of hope, WITHOUT a God

I was suicidal twice in my life.

The first was when I was 10 years old or so, and had realized just how screwed up my family was:  an alcoholic, emotionally-abusive, narcissist, paranoid, cheating Dad who couldn't hold a job and lost money hand-over-fist, and a mother who silently tolerated - and, therefore, approved - all of it. I saw no future for myself. I had no idea how a person really became an astronaut or a writer or an actress, I thought I was doomed to have to work in my Dad's business du jour (he talked about me doing so), and I knew I wasn't pretty. Life had no hope, no possibilities for happiness. What stopped me? My sister. I had a plan for how to off myself all set, but when I really thought about the consequences for of her, of how it might affect her later in life, I couldn't do it. The idea of harming her with my own action repulsed me on every level - isn't that what my parents had done to me? I decided, instead, I'd move away some day and just disappear, as far as they were concerned. Which, indeed, is kind of what happened... day-to-day, it was books and this new-fangled "cable TV" thing showing old movies and TV shows I'd never heard of but delighted every part of me that got me through it.

The second time was when I was away at university. I was 19, with the same family situation at home, but now, I had committed some colossal mistakes that I don't want to detail here, and the pain was overwhelming. I lost a lot of friends over my situation - nothing cleans out the play pen like someone being seen as a "loser" or a "downer." I was desperate for the pain to stop. What stopped me from offing myself that second time? I was in a play at the time, and felt that I needed to finish it - I'd seen what happened when someone dropped out of a play a week before opening, and there was no way I was going to do that to my fellow actors. The idea of them hating me mortified me. Once the play was over, I was in a different place emotionally - things were still painful, but some great friends I didn't realize I had in my life, along with some new friends, got me through it.

Religion played no role in helping me in either of those occasions. None. God was no where to be found. I looked for him when I was a child and facing those demons: I prayed, I begged, I pleaded, I went to church and Vacation Bible School and even got baptized, hoping to get some help. None came. Instead, it was reasoning and thinking and considering the consequences of my acts that got me through that pain. By the second time, I had embraced the term agnostic, and though I would have been totally open to the idea of some kind of divine intervention to help me, none came; my resiliency came from hard work on my part, and those friends I hadn't realized were so wonderful until my time of need.

I haven't been suicidal since. Even when I was diagnosed with clinical depression in my early 30s, following the suicide of my father and getting dumped and betrayed by a person I had thought I would marry, I wasn't suicidal. I was down - oh, how I was down! But I never thought about suicide as a good or desired option. What changed? Part of it is that I have worked very hard to design and sustain a life for myself where exposure to toxic people is kept to a minimum. Instead, life has lots of healthy moments that I work regularly to create - I always have a dream to pursue, large or small. I celebrate good times, even just really happy moments. If a relationship isn't going well, I think about it, I analyze why it is, I think about what I can and can't do about the situation, I think about what I want to change, and sometimes I have to change, and sometimes, I have to walk away.

I listen to music I love, go to see movies when I want, read voraciously, sing in my house, in my car, in my yard, always have a dog in the household, have catnip on the back porch to attract neighborhood cats, work in my garden, ride a motorcycle, travel, and laugh and laugh with my husband. I make time to do all that. I create strategies so that I can guarantee those things happen. I don't wait for things to change magically, I don't hope for divine intervention, and therefore, I'm never, ever disappointed that Jesus has decided yet again not to help out - because I left that desire to believe back in my early teen years. There's a freedom and a comfort and a universe of possibilities and hope that I never, ever had when I was trying to believe in God.

In short, I taught myself to hope and to look for opportunities and choices to help make things better. I mourn what I lose, but also consider the new options a clean slate or an empty page brings me. I experience pain, but I also know that I have means to lesson that pain. I have power and hope I never had when I was trying to believe in God.

If you are hurting, get help: start by talking with your doctor. If you don't have health insurance coverage, contact your county's mental health department, or even just the health department, and ask what mental health services are available for someone experiencing whatever it is you are experiencing: depression, drug or alcohol abuse, addiction, compulsive behavior, etc. Look online for support groups in your area addressing your circumstances. If part of the reason you are hurting is your financial situation, look online for nonprofit financial counseling in your area (your credit union may have classes). Go to the library and read books that address your situation as well. Walk, every day.

You do have options. You can teach yourself to hope.

Atheist tells women they should approve sexist photos

A post from Skepchick / Rebecca Watson "to illustrate my ongoing point that there are too many atheists (/skeptics/humanists/freethinkers/etc) who value their ignorant, messed up idea of what 'free speech' is way, way more than respecting women as more than objects."

"This is probably the tenth example I’ve seen this week of atheist men being overly sensitive and crying every time someone points out that it would be cool if they treated women like people."

I love motorcycle riding. It's a passion. I'm particularly fond of traveling by motorcycle.

But I'm not fond of most of the motorcycle gatherings out there. They seem to either have way too many bare titties for the "entertainment" of the audience, or they are über Christian and/or patriotic. And sometimes both. It's adorable to hear the same people defend all the naked women imagery at their events become outraged over nudity by men at gay pride parades - naked women good, naked men bad bad bad.

You would think a Facebook group called "Free Thought Motorcyclists" that bills itself as a community for atheist / secular humanist motorcyclists would be a perfect place for women atheists motorcycle riders, because you would think people on that group, that claim to be rational and focused on humanist philosophies that stress the potential value and goodness of human beings, emphasize common human needs, and seek solely rational ways of solving human problems, would want ALL atheists / secular humanists to feel welcomed on that group, and, therefore, would never post photos or comments that objectify women, or perpetuate sexist or racist stereotypes - and if such was posted, would post a severe condemnation, affirming that all members, including women, should be respected.

Sadly, as this story shows, you would be wrong. Atheists can, most definitely, be sexists. As Rebecca Watson has tried to illustrate so many times.

Gay marriage? Yes. Polygamous or polyandrous marriage? Nope.

I believe in marriage. Not the Biblical view, where a man can marry dozens of women & take on a few handmaids as well and women have to be subservient - the evolved one, where marriage is an EQUAL partnership between two people and establishes a family - and that family may be just two people. I believe it's a real commitment, not something you do for a party or on a whim. Marriage is a legally binding contract and provides the married couple very generous financial and cultural benefits - that's to encourage the formation of families, even if that family is just two married people, and people living in families are healthier and less of a burden on society as a whole, statistically speaking. And I believe every adult should have the right to marry, to enter into this very special commitment with another person if they so choose, this formation of family.

I've been in this fight for marriage equality for a looooong time, and that early & ongoing support has cost me friends & at one point put my life in danger. But it sure feels good to be on the right side of history.

I've blogged before about why do Atheists get married.

So now the question - do I support polygamous or polyandrous marriage?

No. I see nothing wrong at all with polygamous or polyandrous relationships. While it's not something I would ever choose, if it's something you want to do - go for it!

But I don't support polygamous or polyandrous marriage. Here's why:

While polygamous marriage is Biblical marriage, it's also one that, as practiced even today, with or without state recognition, usually leaves the women involved at a profound legal and cultural disadvantage. Unlike gay marriage, polygamous or polyandrous relationships put women in those relationships at a severe disadvantage - she is NOT equal to her husband nor to other wives. I do not want that unequal treatment called "marriage" codified in the eyes of the law. If you want to call it that in your own eyes, in your own church, fine. Lots of people in one-man-one-woman marriages live their lives in such a way where the woman is subservient to the man, but IT IS NOT CODIFIED IN THE LAW; should a woman in such a marriage ever want to assert her EQUAL, legal rights in that marriage, she's got the law (but probably not her church or mosque) on her side.

What would make me change my mind about polygamous or polyandrous marriage?

• Seeing lots of long-lasting, committed polygamous or polyandrous relationships all around me, where those involved were healthy, happy, and personally prosperous - where such standards are the norm, not the exception, in relationships with multiple partners.
• Getting lots of invitations to 10 year and 20 year anniversaries of polygamous or polyandrous relationships like I've just described. 

THAT IS NOT HAPPENING.

By contrast, I see lots and lots of long-lasting, committed gay relationships all around me, where those involved were healthy, happy, and personally prosperous, and where the partners are EQUAL in decision-making.

When that changes, when I stop seeing women at a profound disadvantage in polygamous or polyandrous relationships, and when I see such long-lasting, committed multi-partner relationships all around me - proving that they really are marriages - I'll change. But for now - no.

My other blogs on on marriage:

North Carolina votes for... what?

Why do Atheists get married?

Should I be allowed to marry?

Gay marriage no, child marriage yes?

Stephen King knows horror, but not how Atheists think

I decided to start this blog when a Christian blogger I thought was a pretty decent guy, and often downright reasonable, posted a blog entry called What Atheists Have Dead Wrong About Religion.

As I read the blog, it dawned on me that he really has no idea what an Atheist is. None. I started reading his previous posts and further realized that, as much as I didn't want to believe it, this guy is just like most other Christians: he lumps all non-Christians, including Atheists, into one category -- and we're all secretly miserable because we don't share his faith in his particular magical, invisible friend.

I responded to his blog specifically in my own blog, What Religious People Have Dead Wrong About Atheists.

That blog from two years ago came back to me when I heard Stephen King talking to Terry Gross on her show. You can hear it for yourself (around the 15:45 mark) or read it here:

“I choose to believe [in God]. … I mean, there’s no downside to that. If you say, ‘Well, OK, I don’t believe in God. There’s no evidence of God,’ then you’re missing the stars in the sky and you’re missing the sunrises and sunsets and you’re missing the fact that bees pollinate all these crops and keep us alive and the way that everything seems to work together. Everything is sort of built in a way that to me suggests intelligent design. But, at the same time, there’s a lot of things in life where you say to yourself, ‘Well, if this is God’s plan, it’s very peculiar,’ and you have to wonder about that guy’s personality — the big guy’s personality.”

Here we go again...

Mr. King, the stars, sunrises, sunsets, bees pollinating crops and flowers - this and more brings me, an Atheist, joy and wonder and amazement. I marvel at all of the variables that have brought the world to this point - the forces of evolution, the forces of plate tectonics, the forces of physics in the universe. And I marvel at the specifics and the generalities. I marvel at what I understand and, even more, what I don't, when it comes to all of the beautiful thing in the world. And I became so much more in awe and wonder of it all when I embraced my Atheism - it freed me from the oh-so-limited thinking of people such as yourself.

I no longer wonder how a God can allow babies to be raped every day - every minute. How a God can allow people to be slaughtered, en masse, by other people or by a storm, a hurricane, an Earthquake, etc. That's the downside of choosing to believe in God - you have to believe that he or she or it watches all that horror and does NOTHING. You have to believe your God is a perverted sicko. I was washed clean of that confusion and anger when I embraced my Atheism. While you and others say sickening things at those moments such as, "It's all a part of God's plan," things that must tear apart those who hear such and are in so much pain, I look for ways to help, ways to respond, and ways to prevent. I accept that I cannot prevent every horrible natural act that the Earth or the cosmos may throw my way, but I don't accept man's inhumanity to man. I look at what I can do, what I can influence, and I do my best to act. I don't wait for an invisible magic friend to decide, based on people's desperate prayers, that maybe he'll do something about it. Instead, I embrace my responsibility as a part of the human race to do all I can.

As Hemant Mehta said in his blog on this same subject, "Letting God take credit for all of that just cheapens it all — it makes everything just a part of someone’s blueprint instead of something that turned up naturally yet came together beautifully."

Indeed.

Christians, Muslims, Jews, Hindus, Deists, whatever - please stop lamenting about what Atheists don't get, don't understand, don't enjoy in this incredible world of ours. Stop telling me I don't feel joy or wonderment. Stop telling me I don't enjoy life and the world. Stop telling me that there is no mystery or poetry in the world for me. You're wrong - on all of these points. Life is a rich tapestry for me, an Atheist - a tapestry of mystery, wonder, joy, poetry, excitement, confusion, pain and comfort. Unlike you, however, I have no borders in how I have to think about it all.

Love is logical. Love makes sense.

I haven't updated my blog since December 2012 - until now - not because I didn't have lots to say, but every time I was moved to write, I would open up my blog, see that post about Mr. Rogers, and think, yeah, that's really all that needs to be said now.

I wrote that December blog in response to the shootings at Sandy Hook and the Clackamas mall in Oregon. Since then, we've had the Boston bombings and the latest, deadly tornados in Moore, Oklahoma. The words from Mr. Rogers just seemed right to keep up as my latest post.

I'm finally writing today is because I'm so moved by Democratic Representative Juan Mendez, of Tempe, Arizona, who was tasked with delivering the opening prayer for the May 21 afternoon session of the Arizona House of Representatives. In his "invocation," he said "This is a room in which there are many challenging debates, many moments of tension, of ideological division, of frustration. But this is also a room where, as my secular humanist tradition stresses, by the very fact of being human, we have much more in common than we have differences. We share the same spectrum of potential for care, for compassion, for fear, for joy, for love... Carl Sagan once wrote, 'For small creatures such as we, the vastness is bearable only through love.'"

Here's the full text of his speech.

as my secular humanist tradition stresses

It gave me chills to read not only his beautiful words, but his affirmation that, indeed, we have a tradition. And it's a tradition based on love and full understanding.

Love is logical. Love makes sense. Valuing other people, feeling affection for humanity, being kind to others - all this makes life more than bearable; it makes life wonderful. It gets us through the tough times and it makes the good times glorious. It creates community - and community is what allows us bounce back after shootings and terrorism and natural disasters.

Sometimes love comes naturally, and sometimes, you have to work at it. But, indeed, "For small creatures such as we, the vastness is bearable only through love."

Smoochies.

UPDATE: Republican Rep. Steve Smith on Wednesday said the statements offered by Rep. Mendez at the beginning of the previous day's floor session wasn't a prayer at all, so he asked other members to join him in a second daily prayer in "repentance," and about half the 60-member body did so. "When there's a time set aside to pray and to pledge, if you are a non-believer, don't ask for time to pray," said Smith.

So, yeah, Atheists, SHUT UP. Rep. Smith says so.

Seeking comfort with Mr. Rogers

In the last two weeks, several people posted this quote to their social media profiles. It's from TV personality and children's advocate Fred Rogers:

"When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping." To this day, especially in times of "disaster," I remember my mother's words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers – so many caring people in this world. quote

It's a sentiment that I have always taken comfort in when tragedy strikes. I'm sure that, as a Presbyterian minister, Mr. Rogers believed it was "God" that was spurning people into helping others. But I'm so glad he didn't say that in this quote, since Atheists like myself do the same after a horrific event: we look to see the people helping, or we jump in to help ourselves, and it gives us comfort. And we need comfort, just like anyone else - we're human. I tried to explain this in my last blog regarding The Atheist Response to Tragedy.

Why does seeing others providing help, and why does providing help ourselves to others, help us in a time of crisis? Because it grows, or restores, a belief in the capacity of humans to do good, to want to do good, something very much needed in the face of an inhumane act.

Every day, we do a hundred activities based on the assumed goodness of humanity: driving somewhere in a car and assuming that other people are going to drive safely, taking the bus and assuming other riders will intervene should anything dire happen, going to a doctor and assuming all staff will read charts correctly and listen as we speak, getting on a plane and assuming the pilot and flight attendants and mechanics will all be doing their jobs correctly, and on and on. Even the most diehard every man for himself person has to make these assumptions every day, over and over. The alternative is to build and stock a fortress, and never leave it, and live every day based on fear.

There is tremendous support happening right now to the many, many victims of mass shootings and natural disasters in the USA. Some areas are overwhelmed with support and offers of help. If you are looking for the opportunity to help, to feel some control over life, you might start in your own community: there are seniors that would love to know how to use cell phones or computers to connect with resources they need, games they would enjoy and people they love. There are parents of special needs kids that would love a sitter for a few hours so they could shop, go to a movie or sit in a coffee shop. There are kids that would love to go camping.

Here's how to find ways to do some good in your community - to provide comfort to others and, perhaps, to yourself:

• Detailed information on Finding Community Service and Volunteering for Teens
• How to Find Volunteering Opportunities, a resource for adults who want to volunteer
• Advice for volunteering as a group / volunteering in a group
• Volunteering with Seniors
• Family Volunteer - Volunteering by Families with Children
• Ways you can volunteer, no matter how young you are
• Online Volunteering (Virtual Volunteering)
• Using Your Business Skills for Good - Volunteering Your Business Management Skills, to help people starting or running small businesses / micro enterprises, to help people building businesses in high-poverty areas, and to help people entering or re-entering the work force.
• Volunteering In Pursuit of a Medical, Veterinary or Social Work degree / career
• Donating Things Instead of Cash or Time (In-Kind Contributions)
• Creating or Holding a Successful Community Event or Fund Raising Event.
• Group Volunteering for Atheist and Secular Volunteers
• Volunteering To Help After Major Disasters.
• How to Make a Difference Internationally/Globally/in Another Country Without Going Abroad
• Ideas for Funding Your Volunteering Abroad Trip.
• Ideas for Creating Your Own Volunteering Activity
• Donating Things Instead of Cash or Time (In-Kind Co

Most Atheists don't believe in a soul - an immortal entity or essence that occupies your body and will continue after your body dies. So it would be disingenuous for me to say that helping others will restore your soul. But I can say that helping others will help you want to get out of bed every morning. It will help you build up a large storage of beautiful memories - and that can help you greatly when faced with tragedy or horrors created by humans or nature. It's worked for me - and Mr. Rogers. Maybe it can work for you too.