The power & the glory of hope, WITHOUT a God

I was suicidal twice in my life.

The first was when I was 10 years old or so, and had realized just how screwed up my family was:  an alcoholic, emotionally-abusive, narcissist, paranoid, cheating Dad who couldn't hold a job and lost money hand-over-fist, and a mother who silently tolerated - and, therefore, approved - all of it. I saw no future for myself. I had no idea how a person really became an astronaut or a writer or an actress, I thought I was doomed to have to work in my Dad's business du jour (he talked about me doing so), and I knew I wasn't pretty. Life had no hope, no possibilities for happiness. What stopped me? My sister. I had a plan for how to off myself all set, but when I really thought about the consequences for of her, of how it might affect her later in life, I couldn't do it. The idea of harming her with my own action repulsed me on every level - isn't that what my parents had done to me? I decided, instead, I'd move away some day and just disappear, as far as they were concerned. Which, indeed, is kind of what happened... day-to-day, it was books and this new-fangled "cable TV" thing showing old movies and TV shows I'd never heard of but delighted every part of me that got me through it.

The second time was when I was away at university. I was 19, with the same family situation at home, but now, I had committed some colossal mistakes that I don't want to detail here, and the pain was overwhelming. I lost a lot of friends over my situation - nothing cleans out the play pen like someone being seen as a "loser" or a "downer." I was desperate for the pain to stop. What stopped me from offing myself that second time? I was in a play at the time, and felt that I needed to finish it - I'd seen what happened when someone dropped out of a play a week before opening, and there was no way I was going to do that to my fellow actors. The idea of them hating me mortified me. Once the play was over, I was in a different place emotionally - things were still painful, but some great friends I didn't realize I had in my life, along with some new friends, got me through it.

Religion played no role in helping me in either of those occasions. None. God was no where to be found. I looked for him when I was a child and facing those demons: I prayed, I begged, I pleaded, I went to church and Vacation Bible School and even got baptized, hoping to get some help. None came. Instead, it was reasoning and thinking and considering the consequences of my acts that got me through that pain. By the second time, I had embraced the term agnostic, and though I would have been totally open to the idea of some kind of divine intervention to help me, none came; my resiliency came from hard work on my part, and those friends I hadn't realized were so wonderful until my time of need.

I haven't been suicidal since. Even when I was diagnosed with clinical depression in my early 30s, following the suicide of my father and getting dumped and betrayed by a person I had thought I would marry, I wasn't suicidal. I was down - oh, how I was down! But I never thought about suicide as a good or desired option. What changed? Part of it is that I have worked very hard to design and sustain a life for myself where exposure to toxic people is kept to a minimum. Instead, life has lots of healthy moments that I work regularly to create - I always have a dream to pursue, large or small. I celebrate good times, even just really happy moments. If a relationship isn't going well, I think about it, I analyze why it is, I think about what I can and can't do about the situation, I think about what I want to change, and sometimes I have to change, and sometimes, I have to walk away.

I listen to music I love, go to see movies when I want, read voraciously, sing in my house, in my car, in my yard, always have a dog in the household, have catnip on the back porch to attract neighborhood cats, work in my garden, ride a motorcycle, travel, and laugh and laugh with my husband. I make time to do all that. I create strategies so that I can guarantee those things happen. I don't wait for things to change magically, I don't hope for divine intervention, and therefore, I'm never, ever disappointed that Jesus has decided yet again not to help out - because I left that desire to believe back in my early teen years. There's a freedom and a comfort and a universe of possibilities and hope that I never, ever had when I was trying to believe in God.

In short, I taught myself to hope and to look for opportunities and choices to help make things better. I mourn what I lose, but also consider the new options a clean slate or an empty page brings me. I experience pain, but I also know that I have means to lesson that pain. I have power and hope I never had when I was trying to believe in God.

If you are hurting, get help: start by talking with your doctor. If you don't have health insurance coverage, contact your county's mental health department, or even just the health department, and ask what mental health services are available for someone experiencing whatever it is you are experiencing: depression, drug or alcohol abuse, addiction, compulsive behavior, etc. Look online for support groups in your area addressing your circumstances. If part of the reason you are hurting is your financial situation, look online for nonprofit financial counseling in your area (your credit union may have classes). Go to the library and read books that address your situation as well. Walk, every day.

You do have options. You can teach yourself to hope.

Why do Atheists get married?

Christians love to say that the purpose of marriage is to get your union recognized by God and to have children. Therefore, marriage is only for Christians -- or at least only for "believers" (Muslims, Jews, Hindus, etc.). It also means that marriage is only for people who can bear children or, at least, will adopt children.

It's a fascinating, narrow view of marriage since, according to the earliest references in the Bible, the joining of a husband and wife wasn't at all religious -- it was about ownership, about property, and often made official through sexual intercourse, including rape. It was about owning a woman and ensuring all her kids were her owner's -- her husband's -- through exclusive sexual relations. In fact, the earliest references to loving partnerships in the Bible aren't between a man and a woman; they are between people of the same sexes, first Ruth to Naomi (in the Book of Ruth, 1:16-18) and then Jonathan and David (in the First Book of Samuel, 20:41-42). Marriage doesn't evolve into a sacrament until much later in the Bible (yup, I've read it -- more on that in a later blog).

Yet, I'm married. We had a fantastic secular ceremony where there was nary a mention of a magical invisible friend, but where I did wear a fabulous dress (a green sari, actually), followed by a kickin' catered celebration with our friends and family -- and a LOT of wine, just like Jesus would have wanted!

As an Atheist, why did I want to get married? It certainly wasn't for religious reasons. It also wasn't to have children. And I certainly am not owned by my husband (which he would be only too happy to enthusiastically affirm).

I got married because I want this guy that is now my husband

• to be able to see me in the hospital no matter what, and vice versa.
• so that one of us can put the other on the company health insurance as soon as one of us works for a company that offers insurance.
• so that he has access to all my assets and vice versa.
• so that we can live in each other's countries oh-so-easily (he's German).
• to be able to legally call each other family and have all the legal rights and privileges that come with that designation.
  

My husband and I didn't need marriage to love each other nor to live with each other, at least not in most countries. But we did need marriage so that in every circumstance life might throw at us, whatever government or company bureaucracy we deal with will see us as a family. And you only get that through being married. Or adoption. We went with marriage.

If any religion doesn't want to recognize our marriage because it in no way involves God or children, that's fine with me. I don't care whether or not they do. But if they try to deny us any of the benefits for which we got married, there will be Hell on Earth to pay -- and I will be the one to bring it.

It's one of the reasons I'm such an adamant supporter of marriage rights for gay people. I would be enraged if I didn't have access to my husband in the hospital, if an insurance company said, "We don't recognize your partnership as a family" -- or if a religious institution got the official word as to whether or not I have the legal right to marry. Yet that's exactly what happens to gay people. And if a government can decide that gay people can't marry because that's what the Christians say, it's only a matter of time before they decide atheists can't marry either. Scary.

On a side note: we really love our marriage vows, which we wrote ourselves. If you are looking for some inspiration for a secular wedding ceremony, drop me a line!

Introduction to Your Atheist Muse

I'm an Atheist. I'm a Secular Humanist. Both titles are just dandy to describe me.

There are a lot of Atheist-based and Secular Humanist blogs, and their numbers are growing. I think there are a lot of reasons this is happening:

• Atheists are starting to feel more comfortable about declaring their lack of faith.


• Atheist bloggers are realizing that there are a *lot* of misconceptions about atheists among non-Atheists, many of them downright insulting and potentially harmful, and its in our own best interests to counter these misconceptions.


• Atheist bloggers are becoming frightened at the rhetoric and actions of many people of faith who are working to suppress science, knowledge, and even basic freedoms and human rights.


• Atheists bloggers are hoping to bring some comfort to fellow atheists out there, particularly those who are feeling alone in their lack of faith, surrounded by people who, consciously or not, maliciously or lovingly, keep trying to convert them to a faith-based belief system.


• Atheists bloggers are not always comfortable with this or that atheist speaking on behalf of ALL atheists, -- and want the diversity of Atheist voices to be heard.


• Atheists bloggers are realizing that they like being atheists and that they want to share that joy with others, Atheist or not.


• Some Atheists bloggers are actively trying to encourage people to abandon their religions.

Which of those are my reasons for having this blog? Probably all of those but the last one. While I wouldn't mind at all being responsible for turning people of away from fundamentalist religious beliefs that promote the enslavement and oppression of women, cultivate hatred of gays, discourage an understanding of science, encourage revisions of history to be kinder to their religious beliefs, etc., I'd be perfectly content if they all became oh-so-tolerant and reasonable Universal Unitarians, Sufi Muslims, adherents to Confucianism, etc. -- those people who believe there are many paths to "God" tend not to block the teaching of scientific principles like biological evolution and plate tectonics, and tend not to encourage gay teens to kill themselves, and I really like them for that.

I decided to start this blog when a Christian blogger I thought was a pretty decent guy, and often downright reasonable, posted a blog entry called What Atheists Have Dead Wrong About Religion. As I read the blog, it dawned on me that he really has no idea what an Atheist is. None. I started reading his previous posts and further realized that, as much as I didn't want to believe it, this guy is just like most other Christians: he lumps all non-Christians, including Atheists, into one category -- and we're all secretly miserable because we don't share his faith in his particular magical, invisible friend.

So, to this Christian blogger and other Christians: yes, indeed, we Atheists are non-Christians. But so are Muslims, Hindus, Jews, and lots of other religious folks, and those folks most certainly are NOT atheists. They have much more in common with you, the Christian, than with me, the Atheist. Like it or not, if there really could be only two football teams, they would be on YOUR team, not mine.

So, here's yet another blog by an Atheist/Secular Humanist, about being an Atheist/Secular Humanist.

• It's for people who are realizing their own Atheism and need some comfort to know they aren't alone. - It's for Atheists who are feeling under siege by religious people, who also want to know they aren't alone.


• It's for people of faith, especially Christians in the USA, so that they understand what Atheism is, not as defined by their pastor, but by an actual Atheist. Maybe that will dispel some myths they have been told. Maybe it will encourage them to think for themselves.

But what's my name? Because of the nature of my work that takes me to many developing countries where one's political or religious views can put one in danger, I cannot associate my name directly with this blog -- which means I can't put my name on it. However, it's rather easy to figure out who I am, if you don't know already. If you write me, I'm happy to use my real name in corresponding.

And a side note to those of you wanting a career in international humanitarian development: be careful regarding your online public declarations of your political beliefs, government criticisms and religious views; there are employers, including the Peace Corps, who turn candidates away (like Derek Volkart) for saying the wrong thing online. Here is more advice on pursuing a career in international humanitarian and development efforts.